Ace Your Parent-Teacher Conference!

by Susan Friedman

I still remember how panicked I was about parent/teacher conferences my first year teaching. An experienced teacher gave me this advice, "Always say the positive things first -- and when you want to discuss something that's an issue, make sure you bring up specific examples rather than generalities about a child's behavior." Turns out this was pretty good advice for getting the conferences off on the right foot. But what about advice for parents? For many busy parents, this is one of the only times when they can sit face to face with the teacher to discuss their child. We've asked some parents and teachers to share their tips on making the most of conferences. After all, who would know better than people who've been there?

Dennis
Dennis and his wife have two children, ages ten and six. After leaving a number of conferences remembering all the things they didn't ask, they've come up with some organizational pointers to keep the conferences on track.

My wife and I review what we want to talk about beforehand: We actually have a folder that we keep on each child, with the results of previous conferences, notes from the teacher, things like that. It's a way for us to be prepared.
We've learned over time that the conferences are short and it's very easy to get sidetracked. So we make sure to write down all important questions we want to get in. We decided to do this after leaving many conferences saying to each other "why didn't we ask about that?"
When we get home, we jot down any questions we have for the next conference. And we always take a minute to write a short thank-you note to the teacher. This really helps us get better treatment. The teacher knows we are serious and respectful and we see the results.
We also review what we will discuss with the kids. The kids always want to know what we discussed in the conference, and they can be a little anxious about it.

Ada
Ada, mother of two teens, tells parents to prepare themselves for the negative stuff and be ready to help come up with a plan for improvement.

It really depends on the school. If there's a low student/teacher ratio, then you can expect the teacher to talk not only about your child's work but also on how your child fits in with other kids. In a larger school setting, parents need to do more work to inform the teacher of your kids' issues and to interpret patterns in performance. Think about what the teacher should know about your kid's performance. What has remained consistent from year to year? What might be different this year?
Prepare yourself for the negative stuff because this is something you want to get out of the conference as well. If you find out there is a problem, try to come up with a plan for improvement and follow through with another appointment if necessary.
Make sure you look at the graded assignments your kid brings home so that you can help the teacher see exactly where your child has difficulty.

Carleton Kendrick
Carleton Kendrick is a family therapist and also a parent of two college-aged kids. Here are his tips on how to keep the teacher from becoming defensive and getting the results you want.

Make sure the teacher doesn't solely focuses on the report card grades. You really want to find out about your child's overall development at all levels, emotional, social, and cognitive. An academic problem is never just an academic problem - it's always a larger issue.
I think many teachers feel the way my daughter's fourth grade teacher felt. Our daughter always did well in school - she was a 'no problem' kid in her teachers' eyes. One teacher actually said, "I don't really understand why you're here - your daughter's doing fine, as you can see from her report card." We said "Well, how do you think she's doing socially? Is she getting along well with other kids in class?" We really wanted to know what her teacher thought about her overall--how she was doing with her peers.
When you have a question about your child, try to begin with an open-ended question. When our son had some academic issues, like not turning in his homework in sixth and seventh grade, we asked the teacher to brainstorm with us. We said, "Knowing our son as you do, why would you think his homework would be something he wouldn't be doing as opposed to all the other things he's following through with?"
Using an open-ended question was helpful. It allowed the teacher to back off from a defensive position. Teachers are used to parents going into the conferences armed with blame. So the teacher said something like, "You know I think your son probably gets bored with some of the homework he gets and he likes to do more of the problem solving." We then felt that she knew our son and that made us feel very good.
It's also difficult when a teacher talks about your child and you get the distinct impression that this is not the child you know. It's natural to want to challenge the teacher and say something like, "That's not our kid you're talking about!" But this probably won't bring good results. Try something like, "That's surprising to us, since at home or in boy scouts he's not like this. I wonder what might be happening here that would make him act that way." This type of response is bound to bring better results.

Barbara Callaghan
Barbara Callaghan has been a teacher and a principal for twenty years. Here's what she has to say about conferences.

Be on time, or call and reschedule. Conferences are generally scheduled every 20 minutes and every minute counts--don't shortchange your opportunity to hear about your child.
Do not bring babies or small children to the conference. Because time is so short, no time should be spent chasing after a younger child or tending to a baby.
Have a positive attitude. The teacher may tell you something that is disappointing. Try not to get defensive. Use the time as an opportunity to make a plan for improvement.
Tell the teacher what the child talks about at home--if the teacher knows what is successful with your child, she can do more of the same.
If you want specific, involved, information about the curriculum, put your question in writing and let the teacher respond later.
If there is stress in the home, let the teacher know just that (not the details), so that she can better understand the change in your child's attitude or performance.

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