Your Child and Cliques

by Lindsay Hutton

Cliques--you've probably heard the word before. You may have heard your son or daughter say, "Oh, he/she's in the popular clique. I can never be a part of that group." But you may not understand exactly what being in a clique means to your child. And some parents are just so happy their child has a good group of friends that they ignore the signs that the "group of friends" has evolved into a clique that's nasty to others.

Having friends and socializing in school is an important part of your child's development and happiness. Fitting in with peers becomes a vital part of a child's life, especially in the pre-teen and teen years. According to the New York University Child Study Center (NYUCSC), as children move through middle school, they begin to develop more advanced interpersonal relationships, and peer approval becomes increasingly important -- often making a child long for the acceptance and camaraderie of a clique. Although most children outgrow the need to be in a clique, for some the need lasts throughout high school.

The Nemours Foundation defines a clique as being a group of friends that leave other kids out on purpose. A clique is usually run by one or two kids who have been deemed "popular," and these leaders decide who can be a part of their group and who gets left out. Cliques usually have rules the members must follow, such as excluding others and not being friends with anyone outside the group. A study done by NYUCSC found that, in some cases, clique behavior evolves into bullying, a problem that causes at least 160,000 students to miss school on any given day.

There are a couple of reasons why cliques may be formed. Sometimes a clique is formed by children who share a similar interest, such as computers or sports. According to the Nemours Foundation, kids may join a clique because they want to be popular, or to feel as though they belong. NYUCSC found there are hierarchies of cliques in schools, ranging from the popular kids to the "losers," such as jocks, brains, nerds, arties, druggies, and freaks. Becoming a part of these groups sometimes causes kids to act differently than they otherwise would. Since "outsiders" are sometimes mocked by cliques, new clique members may suddenly start acting differently towards the outsiders, even if they used to be close friends with them. The Nemours Foundation has found that girls in cliques tend to be meaner and more hurtful to outsiders than boys in cliques are. Helping your child deal with a clique can be tough, especially when the traits that you admire in your child are the reason she is being targeted by a group of kids. If your child looks, acts, or dresses differently than others do, she may be ridiculed and deemed "not worthy" of belonging to a clique. Research has shown this can take an emotional toll. Obviously, being on the receiving end of nasty remarks can make a child feel hurt, angry, and frustrated. If a child is isolated or left out by a clique, her self-esteem may suffer, and she may feel lonely and depressed. Supportive people, such as teachers and family members, can provide comfort to a child who is being targeted or ignored by a clique. Adults may also be able to encourage kids who belong to a group not to leave others out, and to treat others with respect and kindness.

The Nemours Foundation has the following advice for kids who are dealing with being left out by a clique:

Find friends. There are plenty of other people outside of any particular group. Focus on these people, and hang out with kids who aren't part of a clique. Expand your horizons, and make friends with kids who are younger, older, or outside of school. Be open-minded, and don't discriminate against others just because they look or act differently. Be friendly with everyone, and let others feel welcome to talk to you.

Speak up. If your group of friends has suddenly turned into a clique, don't be afraid to speak up. It's okay to want to invite others to hang out. Just be prepared: The clique may move on without you.

Invite a friend. If you are not a part of a clique, but someone you want to be friends with is, invite her to do something with you, away from the rest of the group. This may help her realize how silly it is to be a part of an exclusive crowd.

Don't take it out on yourself. Some kids feel they need to change who they are to be accepted by certain people. While it is okay to make changes, such as to become healthier, make them only for yourself, and because they feel right to you. Don't change who you are to conform to other people's standards.

Having a stable, close-knit group of friends can, of course, be beneficial to a child. Friendships are a part of normal adolescent development, and can help a child to develop a sense of belonging. In fact, NYUCSC found that cliques provide a social niche and can boost self-confidence, by helping a child to develop an identity and feel wanted. Cliques become a problem when the members start being nasty to outsiders, putting them down through backstabbing, taunting, and in some cases, violence. It is essential to educate children on the importance of accepting others. Cliques don't have to be bad, so long as its members know the boundaries that should never be crossed, such as putting others down to impress the group. With your support and guidance, your child can work out healthy ways to connect with friends and accept others in school.